why do you leave me in between….

so much hate for one to bear
how does it feel to not care
underground and unaware
how many people live in fear
relieved from the stress
better off than the rest
stay where you are
think you’re safe
not the best decision to make
should have taken that flight
could have ended this fight
now left alone
scorn
bitter
torn
sunlight brings new life
darkness takes sacrifice
which way do you choose
up or down
either way you lose
doesn’t matter what happens now
fate has been set in motion
no stopping the rotation
her face but a memory
turned into the enemy…..

“This is the end, beautiful friend, the end”

I’ve been living my routine life as usual and it’s driving me a bit crazy. I can’t continue to be a homebody. I think it has a lot to do with the weather; I don’t like to go outside unless it’s necessary. Otherwise I’d rather be curled up on the couch reading a book or watching a movie. I love being at my moms’ in front of the fireplace. I do believe I’ll have Mackenzie and the babies Friday night, I think Aaron and Brit want to go to Providence. I don’t mind at all, I’m actually looking forward to it. I plan on finishing all my assignments for school between tonight and tomorrow, that way I won’t have to worry about doing any school during the weekend. I usually try to finish everything the week of. I like relaxing on my weekends, since I haven’t been working Saturdays.

I’ve quit drinking soda and sugary drinks. I’m trying to be healthy. Don’t get me wrong I’m not a health nut and enjoy food I shouldn’t be eating every now and then. I just don’t want this shit to catch up with me. I’ll be fucking 27 this year. It feels a little strange, but I’ll get over it.

I really wish this day would end. I have to make meatballs for work tomorrow; we’re having a “super bowl party” Val said if I make taco salad she’ll kill me, because she won’t be in tomorrow haha, and to think she hates taco salad but loves mine. Just shows how incredible I am ;D Sike. I was a bit depressed today, not for nothing. Maybe it’s because I should have my period but thanks to a lovely drug I don’t. I still get emotional, which sucks. I’ll take the emotions over the pain and blood any-fuckin-day.

My landlord ( John ) has been friends with my family for years, his daughter Bella & I grew up together, anyway John decided that since the apartments haven’t been updated since they were built which uh was in the 1800’s, that he wants to fix them. There are four apartments all together, two in each house. I live on the second floor, my apartment has two floors, and Tammy lives downstairs from me with her husband and son. In the other house the second floor is now empty and Scotty lives on the first floor alone. I guess he started with the empty apartment which would be smart. Now, they had already done my hardwood floors. The ugly carpet was just unbearable and he told me I could paint the walls any color I wanted as long as he saw it first lol. He liked my choices and paid for the paint, I did all the work, which was fine I love to paint. When they did the floors they fixed the stairs leading to my second floor, and put in NICE new carpet upstairs. The only two rooms remaining are the kitchen and the bathroom. He told me a few days ago he was going to fix the kitchen ;D He’s putting in new cabinets, new tile on the wall, new tile on the floor, new sink, and a new countertop. They are going to start next week, this excites the crap out of me. I’m going to take before and after pictures because let me tell you something, my kitchen is UGLY. Ugh I’ve always hated it. Then after the kitchen all that needs to be done is tile on the bathroom floor. Then he’ll start on Tam’s apartment & so on.
I’ve turned Kayla’s room into an office; it’s where I’ve been doing my school work and shit. It’s been easier these past few months I can walk in there and be fine, thinking about her doesn’t hurt as much. I don’t want to forget, you know? Ryan and Kim have been coming over a lot. Last weekend I watched Aiden from Fri – Sun. They needed a weekend away, besides Aiden is a great kid. We had a lot of fun. He always makes me laugh & I can’t believe some of the things this kid says lol 5 year olds never cease to amaze me.
I think I’m going to the Pearl tonight, maybe I’ll sing. I’m not sure if I’m in the mood yet. I’m in a very good mood don’t get me wrong, but sometimes you just don’t feel like doing certain things. We’ll see. Some asshole ordered fish and chips for lunch now the entire room smells like dirty vag. Fucking gross.

I’m at a point where I really can’t be bothered by anyone. I just want to live my life the way I want. Do what I want, say what I want, feel how I want, be with who I want to be with. Not worry about what other people are thinking or saying. I shouldn’t care about anyone’s opinion but my own. This is what I’ve been ignoring, my own god damn feelings. It’s crucial that I make the right decision, or everything could fall apart. I really don’t want that to happen. I took a week off last minute to get things done, things I needed to get done. I know what’s important to me and what isn’t. I know what I want and how I want things to go from here. I know how to make myself happy and there’s nothing anyone can do about it.

I’ve been doing really well in school; I’m excited about the whole situation. I love learning & writing as well. I have to think of a topic for my final essay in the next few days. I’m pretty sure I know what to base it on. I’ll also have to do some research which will be fun. I’ve already been enrolled for my course next semester, so that’s taken care of. One last thing I need to worry about.

Five years ago today Lucas passed away 1/19/2005 6.47 PM. I’ll be going to the cemetery after work today. I usually get depressed around this time. Lucas was a huge part of my life, although we were young he was still a part of me, and there will always be a large piece of my heart for him. At the time I really didn’t understand about love and what it meant. I know if he were alive today we would be together. I don’t believe too much in soul-mates but I know he would have been the one. I knew him since before either of us could walk, of course I don’t remember much of that time in our lives but I remember our childhood. Same schools, same parties, same everything. He was my best friend. I’ll always love him.

There are a few things going on in my life right now. Things that are difficult for me to decide. I’m not sure what to do. It could go either way; do some people deserve a second chance? What separates those who do and those who don’t? I’m not sure how to handle this yet. I’ll let you know.

It’s 2010 and time for a fresh start. I’ve made all my past posts private. I want to begin the year with a new slate. I don’t want to carry my problems, stress, or thoughts into the New Year. It’s time for a change and it starts now.
Originally I had a New Year’s resolution to quit smoking but since I’ve accomplished that goal before 2009 ended I’ve come up with a new one. Live for MYSELF. Stop trying to satisfy everyone and make them happy. Make myself happy first. I need to realize the most important person in my life, is ME. I have a new outlook on life and my mind is set. Most of my concentration will be on school. I really need to make sure I’m a hundred on this. I’m only taking one class right now, English Comp I. It’s part of my prerequisite. Spring term already has open enrollment, so I’ll take Business Math.
I’ve been pretty busy at work so I’m going to cut this off here.