concrete jungle where dreams are made of…

The last weekend of February a bunch of us went up to New York. It was amazing, so much fun. a lot went on and I might not have time to give many details but here’s some pic’s also Brit has a bunch in her camera that she’s going to send to me so I’ll post them up when I get them.

Here’s the hotel we stayed at.

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Don’t ask why I took a picture of the hallway… I just did lol.

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Here’s inside one of the rooms ( my room! ) They have it set up pretty fucking cool. Those are Lauren’s knees btw lol.

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There’s Lauren’s bed ooo and a naked woman above it ;o She’s trying to pull up the shade…

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Yay the bathroom.. lol That show was fucking aaaahmazing ;D

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Aww we had a wittle desk :T

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There’s Brit & Aaron’s room. Brit is reading…um something I forgot.

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View time!!!!!!! Isn’t it beautiful?

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Random shot from the street

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Nighttime shot ;D

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Radio City Music Hall = Incredible

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Inside RCMH

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Yup ladies room lol

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Ellis Island

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Statue of Liberty

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These are inside the Statue of Liberty

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Okay there’s a lot more but I think that’s enough for now! ;D



endless

I had April come over yesterday after I got off work. It was a bit weird and a little uncomfortable seeing her after so long. The light has left her eyes; she isn’t the same girl I knew years ago. April was always the one telling me to smile and to stop worrying about everything. How things would be alright. Her energy would fill the Hindenburg, and like the Hindenburg, her life ended up in disaster. I’d never think she would turn to drugs. I could see the track marks through her efforts to hide them. It really made me want to cry. I know what she did was horrible, unforgivable even, but I can’t turn away from her now. She had been through so much, hiding all her emotions. I can’t finish this until later so… to be continued



A murderer set free?

FALL RIVER —
Andres Rivera is scheduled to appear before a parole board next month. But even if he is denied release, the former Tremont Street resident will go free no later than 2012. The family of the 22-year-old woman he allegedly killed is preparing for that day.

Rivera is in prison as part of a deal struck with prosecutors. He pleaded guilty to involuntary manslaughter in the 2004 stabbing death of Jessica Corvelo, his girlfriend and mother of their twins.

Corvelo’s parents, Tony and Donna, still live on the first floor of the triple-decker where Jessica was killed. They care for Angel and Destiny, their daughter’s children with Rivera, who are now 8 years old. And the spectra of Rivera’s release weighs heavily on their minds.

The circumstances of Jessica Corvelo’s death remain cloudy nearly six years after she was fatally stabbed. Rivera told police Corvelo was attempting suicide on Aug. 9, 2004, when he tackled her to try to wrest a knife away. Initial reports indicated that Corvelo’s throat had been slashed — perhaps lending credence to Rivera’s story.

Ever since, the Corvelos have wrestled with the question of why their daughter would try to take her own life. They waited years to fully read the full medical examiner’s report on Jessica’s death.

“We had it for awhile, but you try to block it out,” said Tony Corvelo, now 49. “It just brings all the hurt back and the more you read it, the more it hurts.”

“We knew the initial cause of death. We just didn’t read the specific details,” said Jennifer Corvelo, Jessica’s 24-year-old sister.

Those details shed new light on the family’s understanding of the night Jessica died.

The report listed multiple stab wounds found on Jessica’s body — not the single wound that was initially reported. The fatal injury was a six-inch wound in Jessica’s neck, which severed her trachea and made efforts to resuscitate her futile.

“(Rivera) always made this story like it was some sloppy suicide attempt, not an altercation or domestic violence, but he ended up changing his story three times,” Jennifer Corvelo said.

“There were inconsistencies in where he was standing, how he tackled her, and none of the wounds were consistent with being self-inflicted.”

The Herald News sent a letter to Rivera, now 28, more than two weeks ago. He did not respond.
But the case against Rivera was far from ironclad. District Attorney Paul Walsh offered the involuntary manslaughter deal instead of going to trial on a second-degree murder charge, saying he felt the prosecution would have lost the case.

Walsh cited several details working against the possibility of a successful prosecution: In her initial 911 call, Donna Corvelo said she believed her daughter had hurt herself — information she now says came from Rivera. And one of the twin toddlers said “Mommy hurt Daddy.”

A major piece of evidence — a blood-soaked shirt Donna Corvelo said she saw Rivera wearing that night — was never recovered. Tony Corvelo said he told police he would go to the dump to find the shirt, but he was told he’d be arrested. Jessica’s necklace and wristwatch were also missing from her body when the family discovered her.

Tony Corvelo said the plea is something that haunts the family to this day.

“I was mad as hell that day in court for a system that was failing us. They’re going to let him out in six (years) and he should be doing 20 to life,” said Tony. “It was a week before Christmas and nobody wanted to hear the gory details. The court system failed. It was something that should have gone to jury.”

The Corvelos have had little contact with Rivera. When he as sentenced, Rivera gave the family a letter asking them to care for the twins and place a dozen roses on Jessica’s grave. Neither the Corvelos nor the twins have visited Rivera in prison or corresponded with him.

Donna Corvelo said beside an initial letter given to their family by Rivera when he was sentenced asking them to take care of his children and put a dozen roses on Jessica’s grave, the Corvelo family or the twins have not received any correspondence from Rivera and have not visited him at the Norfolk State Prison. He has never apologized for Jessica’s death, the family said.

Destiny said neither she nor her brother want anything to do with their father.

“He killed my mother,” Destiny said.

The twins were only three at the time of the murder, but Destiny was a witness to the crime and both remember that night vividly.

“Right afterwards, they would always have nightmares that lasted for years,” said Donna Corvelo, now 45. “Even after all these years, they still cry for the mommy. They still see a counselor every week too. ”

Weeks and months after the plea, the Corvelos began hearing more about constant arguments that could be heard by the residents of the building’s second-floor apartment – which separated the Corvelos from their daughter’s third-floor space. Suddenly, bruises Jennifer had questioned her sister about just days before her death took on new meaning.

“She did tend to bruise easily, but she always had bruises on her arms and legs. And when I questioned her about it, she would just say it was the nursing home she worked at as a CNA,” Jennifer Corvelo said.

The family continues to harbor regrets about how they addressed the situation. What if they had been more aggressive in asking Jessica about her mysterious bruises? What if they had been a little nosier about their daughter’s relationship?

“My daughter never said anything,” Tony Corvelo said. “She kept her silence, and it killed her.”
Rivera was a private first class in the U.S. Army and was studying to become an EMT. He told the Corvelo family he had not graduated, but months after their daughter’s death, Donna found a document she said indicated that Rivera had indeed been certified.

“He knows how to kill you and he knows how to save you, but there was no saving that night,” Tony Corvelo said.

Jennifer said she learned that Rivera has taken a rehabilitation program in prison that includes instruction on anger management.

“I can’t believe the rehab has done any good if he still doesn’t acknowledge his responsibility in the death of my sister,” Jennifer Corvelo said. “She just loved him with everything she had, more than anything else in his life.”
Tony Corvelo said the family would end up finding more than 50 different knifes and swords in their daughter’s apartment. They assume the weapons belonged to Rivera. The murder weapon was a five-inch long steak knife from a set Tony Corvelo had given the couple as a gift.

“The thing that I hate the most is that every day, he wakes up and he breathes and eats and knows that one day he will be out doing what he wants, and he has taken that choice away from her,” said Jennifer. “She can’t laugh any more or love her kids.”

The Corvelo family said they’ve been told Rivera may be able to fight for custody of his children after his release, if he chooses to do so.

“The twins have said they won’t live with their daddy and if they are ever forced to, they will just run away,” Donna Corvelo said.

Jennifer said the twins carry much of the traits she instilled in them by their mother — including a love of books. Even now, the twins still call for her.

“There was one recent holiday when Angel was depressed, and I asked him what was wrong and he said he missed his mom,” Jennifer Corvelo said. “I said what part do you miss, and he said ‘just the way she loved me.’ It broke my heart, because who loves her children more than their mother?”

Donna said they thank God for the twins, who remind them of their daughter’s impact on the world.

Tony and Jennifer Corvelo plan to speak in front of the parole board next month. Donna, fearing she would not make it through her statement, will have a family friend read it for her. None of them are looking forward to facing Rivera for the first time in nearly six years. If he is paroled, Rivera will be out of jail by May 15.

“There will always be this emptiness that will never go away,” said Donna. “How could it?”
Jennifer said she used to call her sister’s home phone for months after her death and only stopped when the phone company disconnected it. She still sees friends of Jessica’s who now have children or have had something happen in their lives and want to rush home to fill Jessica in on every detail. But she knows she can’t. Instead, she faces a gray headstone that marks her sister’s resting place.

“Sometimes I wish she had committed suicide. At least then it would have been her choice instead of her getting beaten and tortured by someone she loved more than anything,” Jennifer Corvelo said. “It’s the thing that haunts me. How her last seconds of life were when she was being attacked by this guy she just loved so much. It has to be the scariest feeling in the world.”



*revise*

I need to make a few things clear. In my last post I stated that I have decided to make amends with my ex, this in no way shape or form means I’m going to get back with him. That is a big pot to stir and I’m not sure my arms are strong enough. Before we started actually dating we were very good friends. My point is I don’t want to live my life in hate. I’m tired of hating people; I’m tired of having this anger inside me. Therefore I’m going to just stop. There are a lot of people I’ve had in my life that have given me a second chance and there are a lot of people who need a second chance from me. I’m going to give it to them. April shall be the first. If she isn’t clean I’m going to try and help her get there.



unlike any other.

Some days have been better than others. My goal is to give second chances and I believe I’m headed in the right direction. The appreciation you have for people can change dramatically without warning. A lot of people are asking me when I’ll be getting a phone, some sort of communication. Maybe they’re tired of ringing my doorbell, I don’t know. My point is, I kind of enjoy being out of reach to people. Those who truly need to reach me can stop by, or call Tam. I could get a $20.00 phone tomorrow if I wanted, but I just don’t care. When I do get one, only a few will get the number. I’m tired of everyone having my number, people I’ve met once. I think I have enough friends, I should stop making more.

I saw Kevin a few days ago. He looks good, not as happy but good. I’ve decided to make amends with him. Five plus years is a long time to be with someone and automatically write them off. Granted he could be a horrible person at times, he was still the man I fell in love with. We all have a Mr. Hyde in us. I know mine is a raging bitch who could make a grown man cry. I’ve done some horrible fucking things to people in my life, men, women, friends, family. My conscience was non-existent during parts of my life. I didn’t care how my actions affected others, or reflected on myself. I would belittle people who didn’t deserve it, people who treated me with nothing but kindness and respect. Basically I was a fucking douche, angry at the fucking world and taking it out on everyone else. For reasons unknown to everyone but me. Can one point the blame? People can be cruel, this I know, but there has to be a reason behind it. No one is a complete dick just because. There are wounds there cut so deep that it only looks natural. Sinking into the skin, as if, trying to become a part of you. Hiding the evidence to all eyes but your own. There are no ways to pin point the dynamics of human nature. It just is what it is. I’ve completely driven off topic.

Whatever you do in life may reflect who you are in death. Leaving behind a legacy is something only few have done. Trying to obtain this seems almost unreasonable. We have to understand that even though the entire world won’t remember our name; those who do are those who we have to live for. Your name may not be scribbled in books but it will forever remain in the hearts of our loved ones. I think this is satisfyingly enough. Everything you do has the opportunity to make someone’s life better. A simple I love you will suffice. A word hardly used by many. The words I love you, with meaning and importance behind mean more than just about anything.



salvation.

What you see is all an illusion
every step you take ends in confusion
in the end all you are left with is your delusion

Civilization as you know has cease
realization starts to kick in
desperation has become your only sin

Everything you have known about life has gone awry
remembering how she’s grown seems pointless more each day
wishing you were home a thought that will soon fade away



Cherry Blossoms

so much hate for one to bear
how does it feel to not care
underground and unaware
how many people live in fear
relieved from the stress
better off than the rest
stay where you are
think you’re safe
not the best decision to make
should have taken that flight
could have ended this fight
now left alone
scorn
bitter
torn
sunlight brings new life
darkness takes sacrifice
which way do you choose
up or down
either way you lose
doesn’t matter what happens now
fate has been set in motion
no stopping the rotation
her face but a memory
turned into the enemy…..

“This is the end, beautiful friend, the end”



I’ve been living my routine life as usual and it’s driving me a bit crazy. I can’t continue to be a homebody. I think it has a lot to do with the weather; I don’t like to go outside unless it’s necessary. Otherwise I’d rather be curled up on the couch reading a book or watching a movie. I love being at my moms’ in front of the fireplace. I do believe I’ll have Mackenzie and the babies Friday night, I think Aaron and Brit want to go to Providence. I don’t mind at all, I’m actually looking forward to it. I plan on finishing all my assignments for school between tonight and tomorrow, that way I won’t have to worry about doing any school during the weekend. I usually try to finish everything the week of. I like relaxing on my weekends, since I haven’t been working Saturdays.

I’ve quit drinking soda and sugary drinks. I’m trying to be healthy. Don’t get me wrong I’m not a health nut and enjoy food I shouldn’t be eating every now and then. I just don’t want this shit to catch up with me. I’ll be fucking 27 this year. It feels a little strange, but I’ll get over it.

I really wish this day would end. I have to make meatballs for work tomorrow; we’re having a “super bowl party” Val said if I make taco salad she’ll kill me, because she won’t be in tomorrow haha, and to think she hates taco salad but loves mine. Just shows how incredible I am ;D Sike. I was a bit depressed today, not for nothing. Maybe it’s because I should have my period but thanks to a lovely drug I don’t. I still get emotional, which sucks. I’ll take the emotions over the pain and blood any-fuckin-day.



Angelic dreams…

My landlord ( John ) has been friends with my family for years, his daughter Bella & I grew up together, anyway John decided that since the apartments haven’t been updated since they were built which uh was in the 1800’s, that he wants to fix them. There are four apartments all together, two in each house. I live on the second floor, my apartment has two floors, and Tammy lives downstairs from me with her husband and son. In the other house the second floor is now empty and Scotty lives on the first floor alone. I guess he started with the empty apartment which would be smart. Now, they had already done my hardwood floors. The ugly carpet was just unbearable and he told me I could paint the walls any color I wanted as long as he saw it first lol. He liked my choices and paid for the paint, I did all the work, which was fine I love to paint. When they did the floors they fixed the stairs leading to my second floor, and put in NICE new carpet upstairs. The only two rooms remaining are the kitchen and the bathroom. He told me a few days ago he was going to fix the kitchen ;D He’s putting in new cabinets, new tile on the wall, new tile on the floor, new sink, and a new countertop. They are going to start next week, this excites the crap out of me. I’m going to take before and after pictures because let me tell you something, my kitchen is UGLY. Ugh I’ve always hated it. Then after the kitchen all that needs to be done is tile on the bathroom floor. Then he’ll start on Tam’s apartment & so on.
I’ve turned Kayla’s room into an office; it’s where I’ve been doing my school work and shit. It’s been easier these past few months I can walk in there and be fine, thinking about her doesn’t hurt as much. I don’t want to forget, you know? Ryan and Kim have been coming over a lot. Last weekend I watched Aiden from Fri – Sun. They needed a weekend away, besides Aiden is a great kid. We had a lot of fun. He always makes me laugh & I can’t believe some of the things this kid says lol 5 year olds never cease to amaze me.
I think I’m going to the Pearl tonight, maybe I’ll sing. I’m not sure if I’m in the mood yet. I’m in a very good mood don’t get me wrong, but sometimes you just don’t feel like doing certain things. We’ll see. Some asshole ordered fish and chips for lunch now the entire room smells like dirty vag. Fucking gross.



Choices

I’m at a point where I really can’t be bothered by anyone. I just want to live my life the way I want. Do what I want, say what I want, feel how I want, be with who I want to be with. Not worry about what other people are thinking or saying. I shouldn’t care about anyone’s opinion but my own. This is what I’ve been ignoring, my own god damn feelings. It’s crucial that I make the right decision, or everything could fall apart. I really don’t want that to happen. I took a week off last minute to get things done, things I needed to get done. I know what’s important to me and what isn’t. I know what I want and how I want things to go from here. I know how to make myself happy and there’s nothing anyone can do about it.

I’ve been doing really well in school; I’m excited about the whole situation. I love learning & writing as well. I have to think of a topic for my final essay in the next few days. I’m pretty sure I know what to base it on. I’ll also have to do some research which will be fun. I’ve already been enrolled for my course next semester, so that’s taken care of. One last thing I need to worry about.

Five years ago today Lucas passed away 1/19/2005 6.47 PM. I’ll be going to the cemetery after work today. I usually get depressed around this time. Lucas was a huge part of my life, although we were young he was still a part of me, and there will always be a large piece of my heart for him. At the time I really didn’t understand about love and what it meant. I know if he were alive today we would be together. I don’t believe too much in soul-mates but I know he would have been the one. I knew him since before either of us could walk, of course I don’t remember much of that time in our lives but I remember our childhood. Same schools, same parties, same everything. He was my best friend. I’ll always love him.

There are a few things going on in my life right now. Things that are difficult for me to decide. I’m not sure what to do. It could go either way; do some people deserve a second chance? What separates those who do and those who don’t? I’m not sure how to handle this yet. I’ll let you know.